Relationship Expert Reveals Most Common Secret People Keep From Their Partners

An 'expert on the psychology of secrets' has revealed the most common secret people keep from their partners. 

Michael Slepian, an author and Associate Professor of Leadership and Ethics in New York, has been researching the nature of secrets, exploring the burden keeping them can have on us, and looking into whether they really can weigh us down, affecting our mood and even personality.

Slepian's study found that even just thinking about secrets put extra pressure on people, prompting them to judge hills as being steeper, distances as further, and tasks as taking more effort.

Speaking to LADbible, Slepian said he couldn't offer an example of one particular secret that everyone keeps - although there is one that people are often often reluctant to share.

While it seems obvious that in the vast majority of cases, people who are cheating on their partners will want to keep it a secret, often necessitating a whole web of lies about where they are, what they’re doing and who they’re with, the secret people most often keep isn't actually about physically cheating.

Want to earn cash back when you buy your next must-read book? TOTUM+ members get a FREE TOTUM Cashback Visa Debit Card!

Earn cashback at Waterstones as well as at over 80 big-name brands including Sainsbury's, Asda, Primark, Boots, B&Q, Pizza Hut, M&S, John Lewis and loads more!

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT TOTUM CASHBACK

Rather, people strive to hide 'extra-relational thoughts’ - the romantic thoughts you have about someone who isn't your partner when you’re in a relationship.  

Whether it’s in a dream, while watching a film or seeing someone attractive in the street, the Slepian told LADbible that people 'often have this experience', and when they do, 'they often keep it to themselves’ - which is probably for the best, as sharing all your extra-relational thoughts is likely to cause a bit of friction… 

Slepian has also studied the personality traits associated with keeping secrets, finding that some types are more likely than others to be keeping schtum about things. 

What he discovered was that extroverted people actually have a greater tendency to keep secrets while the introverts among us are more likely to their cards closer to the chest - as are people who are more conscientious and careful. 

So why do we keep secrets at all? Well, according to Slepian, the main reason is to protect something.

Interestingly he found that the found the best thing people could do to help lift the burden is to discuss it with a third party. “While keeping a secret can protect whatever is the imagined outcome of revealing a secret, it often brings harms of its own,” he said. 

When you are wanting to share, the best people to confide in are those who are compassionate and nonjudgemental, with Slepian advising against speaking to someone who will be shocked.

"We see that when someone believes that a secret they learned is morally objectionable, they are more likely to reveal the secret to a third party, essentially as a form of punishment. Someone who thinks similarly to you would be a safer bet,” he said. 

You can learn more about secrets in Slepain's book, The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being Relationships, and Who We Are